rejection

I've noticed two uncomfortable phenomena in the dating world as of late, and they concern rejections. There are two especially annoying responses to a rejection: persistence and sour grapes.

I'd first like to acknowledge that this issue also occurs in female-to-male interactions, as well as in cases of one-sided interest in two people of the same gender. For the sake of simplicity, I'm sticking with terms that are traditional, which are also the ones with which I identify in my personal life.

Rejections aren't fun experiences, but they don't have to get ugly. When a girl says no, she's not interested. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gross or creepy. What it means is that for whatever reason she doesn't feel it would be in her — and your — best interest for the two of you to date. Maybe she's not attracted to you, but that's nobody's fault.

When a girl turns you down, guys, don't keep at it. It just makes it even more awkward as we come up with ways to turn you down that we haven't just tried. Most of us only have a couple — if any — phrases in our arsenal to let you know that we're very sorry, but we just aren't interested in dating you — nothing personal. When we exhaust those, we're left with a few options: repeat them, be rude, or give in for now and try to come up with a way to get rid of you later. At that point, even though you may have a date scheduled with us, you're actually further from being someone we want to date. You're now a nuisance in addition to someone in whom we're not interested.

I'm sure we girls are in part to blame since we play the whole hard-to-get game. If we didn't play hard to get, you guys wouldn't have to try as hard to get us. So here's a challenge to you ladies: quit it. There are ways to be mysterious and captivating and still spare a guy's emotions. I'm not saying be easy or constantly available, but don't turn a guy down the first time just to see how much he's into you.

An even uglier situation arises when guys try to save face. So often, dates are couched in ambiguous terms that both parties understand on an unspoken level have a romantic turn to them. "Hang out" covers such a broad spectrum of activities and intents that it's tricky to determine where on the spectrum the offer lies, from meaningful friendship to mindless fornication. What makes it trickier is when guys deny their offer was indeed an offer as soon as it's turned down.

I've seen girls turn guys down using language that makes it clear they perceived the offer as a romantic one. In a couple of cases, I've been that girl. It's always shocking and a little sickening, even as a bystander, when they guy says, often rudely, "Well, I didn't mean like a date. I'm not into you like that."

Sure, sometimes girls misunderstand a platonic desire to get to know someone better. As another point, I'd argue that those offers that are honestly strictly platonic should be phrased more clearly themselves so as to avoid confusion. But being rude to the girl is just not OK, especially if it really was a request for a date. While you might think you just saved face, you've done more harm than good. You now look like a jerk. But if you managed to convince the girl that your intentions were not romantic, chances are you made her feel self-centered and egotistical for thinking it was romantic, and have set her up to be even more puzzled the next time a guy asks her out in ambiguous terms.

It should be a simpler system: guy asks girl out, girl politely — but clearly, ladies — declines, guy politely accepts girl's decision.

Rejection is painful, but you don't have to add to the pain by making the girl turn you down further or go on a pity date, or make her feel bad and question every offer for a date she receives.

I think what ties these responses together is that they are symptoms of a larger problem: a lack of respect. Guys, quit kidding yourselves. When you don't actually listen to what a girl says and continue to hound her for a date, or when you try to make her feel bad because she — intentionally or not — made you feel bad, it shows you don't respect her. And that just proves she was right to turn you down in the first place, doesn't it?